They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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