You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
