The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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