I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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