I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize