youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
