He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
