I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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