Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
