You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
