i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
