She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
