the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
