My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize