i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
