I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize