Will you blow on my dice?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize