i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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