the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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