Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
