I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
