i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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