I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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