you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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