After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
