Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
