Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
