i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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