i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize