youre lurking in front of me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
