watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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