isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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