I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
