woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize