she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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