paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
