I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
