Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
