One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
