I wish my penis had an off switch
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
