I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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