Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
