party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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