I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
