giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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