I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
smell my finger.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
