I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
