Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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