I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
