I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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