I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
