half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
