I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
