my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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