Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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