i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
