He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
