It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
