He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
