You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
