im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
